Sacrifice and Priorities

Hoping to write through the interesting feelings and thoughts that I fell through today.

Somewhat a discussion of expectations, but also the idea that no one knows better how another person should live their life. I know not what someone else will do when faced with a choice that addresses their priorities. I know what I expect from people that want to be in my life. I also know that some people are worth the investment of time and love before their actions match what the unhurt version of themselves would do. The unhurt version, the version that we see when we are children, doesn't know the walls. Doesn't stop throwing love out there, because the unhurt version knows we won't run out.

And how do we get back to a place where wishes come true because we pour every ounce of love and feeling and this moment into them.

Superman sacrificed love and friendships to be who he was. But what happens to the woman in love with superman. He will never love her back. Because she can't see his mind, where he says he loves her, but only his actions, where he chooses other things over her.

It is the energy of a system... The time commitment required for excellence. I have not found a passion that I would sacrifice a partnership for. The right partnership flourishes with time investments in other interests. Something to talk about. Something to share.

I guess I'm speaking of balance. And how my balance may not match someone else's. And possibly how relationships are about finding someone who will give the amount of time that you require to feel prioritized. It could be an hour, or a week, whatever matches the needs or the second party. And how cheating might be giving your time to the wrong person. Time and energy invested in the wrong place.

Or maybe if we just get tired enough our hearts just find somewhere to rest eventually.

Talkin 'bout my generation

I am 30 today.

Single, bachelors degree, renting with a room mate, travelled to a ton of amazing places, experienced more than most, can out run and out lift most of my female peers, and I enjoy the company of my cat.

I am not a lost generation. Neither are the men of my age, give or take a few years either way. I am not less of a person for having not had babies yet. I am not, not trying, if I haven't found the man I want to spend my life with. I am not a lost soul for wanting to see the world. No, I shouldn't "settle down" thank you very much.

I want those things; a life partner and eventually kids and a family. But really, a generation or two ahead of me has fought damn hard for my rights. I intend to enjoy them.

I intend to enjoy my right to stand up and speak when I disagree. I am not trying to be impolite or rude, but the world has seen hurt and pain when no one would stand up and speak out against injustice.

I intend to enjoy my sexual rights. I cannot imagine a time when contraception was immoral. When you chanced being arrested for helping a woman prevent pregnancy. I am safe, I am aware of my rights, and I have full respect for my body. This is my vehicle for my life and I expect respect, but sex is not something to be used as a weapon, as a lure, as a promise. There is no "let me". There is ownership of my decisions. I own my body.

I intend to enjoy the fact that I am literate and educated. I wish for more knowledge, for more doors to open, for the reward of learning to be more questions unanswered. I know that a husband and kids may be hard to balance with this pursuit, but when I find an equal partner to try that all with, we will cross that bridge. I speak this way with no accusation, and only knowledge of how I would like my path to continue. My path has had a lot of zig zags so far, so who knows, but a goal is only as good as the journey to get there.

The men of my generation are not lost either. They want to work hard enough to make some cash to go to Thailand or Nepal or whatever. This does not make them irresponsible. This does not make them incapable of commitment. This makes them dreamers and adventurers, and quite frankly it makes them into the men my generation of women want to be with. I don't want my life partner wondering what the rest of the world is like. We will know. We will want to take trips together for more experiences, but to think that there must be choice: family or adventure, is to change why I believe we find partners in the first place.

I am 30.

I feel very similar today as I did yesterday.

And not all those that wander are lost.

So I just sit right here...

To the people I love... There are lots of you...

Megs: you found me and I love you. I can't imagine what the last two months of my life would have been like without you. I don't have words to be thankful enough for your comedy, your love, your undeniable spirit. Thank you for Christmas.

Mom and Dad: your Christmas is inside of me. I will smell wifesaver and find a huge Toblerone and although we are not together, I miss you no more or less than any other time of year because each day is amazing and hard without you no matter what. Don't worry about me, you raised a strong, powerful, loving, independent and fun daughter who makes friends with ease and finds joy in everything.

Matt: a sibling is impossible to replace. We experienced our childhood and youth together and that is everything. You may be on the other side of the world, but that makes me nothing but proud. I can brag about my big little brother who is out conquering that side of the world and left this side to me. Be joyful when you speak of me.

Brian: our paths crossed at a difficult time in my life. You were that guy who told me to suck it up when I needed it and crawled under my bed when I didn't. You told me my soul was beautiful and I believed you. You are my neighbour for real now, but were always my neighbour in my soul. You don't even know how important to me you truly are. Thank you.

Dipak: the three amigos needed a third. You were the stabilizer. Whenever a plane flies over my head I think of you, as I have flown with a lot of people and your soul is the one that I believe truly belongs in the sky. You are my wings. It's cheesy, but I don't care because its true. You inspire me.

To Lisa bear: your soul found its little sister in me. I am saddened that we didn't have enough time together, but I am happy for what I got.

To Michelle: stop telling people you aren't enough. You are more than you will ever know and I can't make you see how important you are to so many if us. Shine, shine bright, shine forever.

Andrea: I am proud to count you among my friends. You are the woman I think all women should be. You are a fierce friend and a force to be reckoned with.

Will: good men are rare, and men who know the words to all my eclectic music tastes are even more rare. Our chance meeting wasn't chance at all, you are exactly the ridiculous fun that my life needed. The look on your face when you opened your present yesterday is one I will keep with me when I need to remember "why can't people just be nice to eachother all year, not just at Christmas"

Laurie: my life forever changed with the words "I have a spare room" and the path I took from that day was far better than I ever could have imagined possible.

Chris: your spirit is my spirit... We match and that is so fun. Not often can I be a ridiculous goofball and know that there is someone on my team being just as goofy. Cheers to finding eachother.

Geoff: you are more than my old boss, you are the boss I want to be. You gave me the freedom to be me... Which can be hard once you saw the crazy ridiculous tangents I could take. You gave me just enough rope to hang myself with, and you will never know important to me that was.

Mike and Candace: you found eachother. My hope in my life is that I find the man that looks at me the way that you look at eachother. You are joy and passion and love and fight all in a power couple that will never be replaced in my life. I can't wait to run across the room towards you like a slow mo movie to hug you until we both can't breathe.

Jon: you don't even know how you manipulated my path. I can't express my appreciation. I love you friend.

Brad: my bestie. My best bestie. Life is better with you in it. Life is changed because of you. I cannot imagine what my past three years would have been without you. I cannot watch Glee, Dexter, or New Normal without wanting to turn to you, even when you aren't physically there. Be well. Good things.

Sheena: time in can be everything; we have marathon time, which counts exponentially. I am on your island, now our time really begins.

More to come. My list of people I love is never ending.

Smile and the world smiles with you

Enjoy the ride.

Everything happens for a reason.

Good things come to good people.

And more recently; Good things take time, great things happen all at once.

So I am going to take a page from my surf instructor Allister and "go where the wave wants to go. Find your balance and it will all go according to plan." Life lessons from a guy who didn't even know he was giving them.

I went for coffee with who I hope to soon be my boss on Friday. We are of the same opinion, that you find the right people to put on your team and the rest will take care of itself. If you find someone who is passionate and has a work ethic and will to win, the skills, certifications, and other random crap that people THINK are the things we are hiring for will take care of themselves. This whole conversation made me very happy. I know that I am the right person for their team. Front check in desk? Maintenance? Trainer? Whatever. Get on the team, and be the best damn... well, whatever... until you get where you want to be. Keep doing the work. Get the certifications, read the books, do what the people who are successful at what you want to do are doing. You never know who is watching, and you never know who is looking for the newest addition to their life. You never know whose day is going to be better because of the positive way you treated them and what kind of difference that person will make during the rest of their day. Take responsibility for that. Take responsibility.

I don't know a lot of millionaires who what a lot of reality TV or read the tabloids. So I don't.

I don't know a lot of physically fit people who eat gummy bears for breakfast. So I don't.

I don't know any people in happy loving stable relationships that sit at home and hope something good will come to them. So I most defiantly don't.

We get this shot at this life only once, so learn all you can learn. This means making mistakes, sounding dumb (ever tried learning a new language as an adult?) and asking questions. Lots of them. Like why things happen the way they do... ever been on a LRT with a kid when the train stops for 'no reason'? They look around and try to figure it out. Is there a dragon out there that the train man has to fight to pass? Is there a lava flow across the tracks? Too often we are just not asking the questions, and what we don't ask, could kill our dreams.

I have adopted the most annoying and most rewarding word of the two year olds vocabulary; WHY

And I have adopted Allisters surfing life advice... "Find your balance and go where the wave wants to go" instead of where I think I should go.

Sucking at Goodbyes

I have said a lot of goodbyes in the last 24 hours. And I will say many more in the next 24. And truth be told, I suck at them at the moment.

It is so very hard to explain to the people you love, the people who have not only excepted but embrassed you, and the people who have made you the person you are, that you are leaving them for... for what? A pull on my heart? This hidden knowledge that it is the right thing to do? A FEELING?

When things changed in other elements of my life, it gave me the opportunity to make a move that I have been thinking about and planning seriously for about 3.5 years and I think emotionally since I was 16 and first visited the island with understanding. It is a hard question to answer, "why", but I believe it comes down to dreams and opportunity.

I have 2 amazing jobs. An amazing team to work with in both of these. An amazing Air cadet Squadron that I will miss dearly. An unreal flying team and flying experience. Phenomenal friends that I have met in various ways through the Okanagan that I will never forget and can never replace. I love this place. But something never really fit right. I had put the ladder of my life on a wall in the Okanagan and was climbing it quite nicely when I realized my ladder was against the wrong wall.

I am headed to a place where I have the opportunities I am really yearning for. No I am not moving for a man. No I am not moving for a specific job that I have already been hired for. Although it may factor into my future, I am not moving there for that specific university. I am moving to a town that I somehow feel is where the things that I am supposed to be doing on this planet are going to start for me.

Call me crazy if you want, but I quote one of my favourites, "Smart people are often called crazy people by dumb people" and I truly feel that if anyone tries to take my dream it is because it is too big. Their fear of their own dreams is spilling onto me. I have heard a lot of "Oh I could never do that" from women that I looked up to in my life and always wondered why? What was stopping you? Well I am hearing it again... "I could never move to a new city without a guarentee of work there or family there or... or... or..."

I guess what I am trying to say is that the reason I am sucking at goodbyes for this move is that my heart doesn't want to leave, but my dreams are bigger than my emotions right now and I am having a hard enough time explaining that to myself let alone anyone else.

Well I've got about 25 more hours of sucking at goodbyes before I hit the road.

I'll be back to visit, too much of my heart is here not to.

Greener Grass

So I feel obligated to write a list of things that are awesome about being single while I still find them awesome. Single people want to be with someone, couples miss the single life, bottom line is you can be happy or miserable either way. Singles, be happy for;

-Your own closet. Seriously, my clothes are so happy that they don't have to be all up in eachothers grills. Shoes too.

-Being loud in the morning. Being a 5 or 6am type, here are some things I do loudly that you paired up people cannot; magic bullet blender, rock music, doors, showers, singing, chair pulling out, drawers and cupboards in the kitchen without concern, and various dance moves. I tend to bump into things when I dance.

-Things stay clean. Ever clean something and come home to it messed up? Not I said the cat!!

-The bed... it is so big. I can sleep sideways if I want. Diagonally. No one steals the covers, and no one complains that I steal the covers.

-Groceries. So cheap. AND if I make enough leftovers to last a week of lunches, they actually last a week of lunches.

-I can watch any ridiculously girly rom com and no one complains. AND I can watch whatever football game I want. Muh hahahaha.

-I don't have to check in with anyone. I need to be home often enough that my cat can get in and out and eat, but other than that my time is my own to spend.

-Temperature. Girls are colder, and I can keep my house as toasty as I want without a "Why is it always so hot, aren't you hot, I'm hot" speech.

Enjoy the upside to every situation, you just have to know what to look for.

Wise words

Wise words from a friend; when things are good, journal the hell out of them so you can remember the feeling when they aren't... So here are a few things that made me happy today:

 -Being there when two people are in the happy beginnings of something special. Feeling their excitement for falling in love is almost like falling myself. Beautiful.
-This goal from a friend crystallizes what love is to him: "She got that super cute adorable shy smile... my goal is to make her smile like that as often as possible"
-Music. Songs that make me dance in the kitchen and sing while sitting at traffic lights.
-When a friend refused to acquire my calendar until my absolute last day of work. "I'm not ready for that yet, it will have to wait until Friday." Thanks man, I love you too.
-A work friend sending a "Come to Brittanys 'Don't let the door hit your @$$ on the way out' party" invitation.
-Certifying two amazing women in fitness streams. So different and so perfect in their own ways.
-Realizing I hadn't looked at my phone for 5 hours because I was busy and happy. Not trying to be, just being.
-Green Sweaters
-Space heaters
-going away plants
-a text from my mom. I miss her, I love her, she is proud of me.
-Friends willing to drop everything and help me move. onto an island. requiring two ferry travels. without even a hint of pause in their voices.
-helping a family work towards financial independence. And knowing that i am already on that path.
-being scared as hell and beyond excited at the same time, and letting possibility and promise win over fear and doubt.

Wise words friend, wise words.