Sucking at Goodbyes

I have said a lot of goodbyes in the last 24 hours. And I will say many more in the next 24. And truth be told, I suck at them at the moment.

It is so very hard to explain to the people you love, the people who have not only excepted but embrassed you, and the people who have made you the person you are, that you are leaving them for... for what? A pull on my heart? This hidden knowledge that it is the right thing to do? A FEELING?

When things changed in other elements of my life, it gave me the opportunity to make a move that I have been thinking about and planning seriously for about 3.5 years and I think emotionally since I was 16 and first visited the island with understanding. It is a hard question to answer, "why", but I believe it comes down to dreams and opportunity.

I have 2 amazing jobs. An amazing team to work with in both of these. An amazing Air cadet Squadron that I will miss dearly. An unreal flying team and flying experience. Phenomenal friends that I have met in various ways through the Okanagan that I will never forget and can never replace. I love this place. But something never really fit right. I had put the ladder of my life on a wall in the Okanagan and was climbing it quite nicely when I realized my ladder was against the wrong wall.

I am headed to a place where I have the opportunities I am really yearning for. No I am not moving for a man. No I am not moving for a specific job that I have already been hired for. Although it may factor into my future, I am not moving there for that specific university. I am moving to a town that I somehow feel is where the things that I am supposed to be doing on this planet are going to start for me.

Call me crazy if you want, but I quote one of my favourites, "Smart people are often called crazy people by dumb people" and I truly feel that if anyone tries to take my dream it is because it is too big. Their fear of their own dreams is spilling onto me. I have heard a lot of "Oh I could never do that" from women that I looked up to in my life and always wondered why? What was stopping you? Well I am hearing it again... "I could never move to a new city without a guarentee of work there or family there or... or... or..."

I guess what I am trying to say is that the reason I am sucking at goodbyes for this move is that my heart doesn't want to leave, but my dreams are bigger than my emotions right now and I am having a hard enough time explaining that to myself let alone anyone else.

Well I've got about 25 more hours of sucking at goodbyes before I hit the road.

I'll be back to visit, too much of my heart is here not to.