The Pursuit of... Wait, didn't I order a cheeseburger?

There are so many quotes out there about happiness being a journey not a destination, about seizing the moment, about living each moment... And I buy into them most of the time.

I am a generally happy person who will look for the good in everything, search for the silver lining and have often been heard saying "everything happens for a reason." So when I am feeling a bit on the bluer side of life's RBG scale, everyone notices. Everyone asks me whats wrong. Everyone does the "What's up with you" face and accompanying head tilt, like they are confused puppies. And this leads me to a question that seems to be underlying a lot of things in my life right now...

Is it better to be an emotional person who gets hurt because they invest, or invest less with the possibility of getting a smaller return?

Do I want to trust less people so I get hurt less? But if I let less people into my life, how do I know that there are amazing people out there who could be playing huge amazing roles in my life that aren't because I have kept them on the outside of my moat? But would I really be at a total loss for having saved myself the grief of the non return of my enthusiasm?

My slightly odd example is that of teaching a group fitness class. Odd, I know, but write what you know, and I know the Y. So if I show up, send out my voice and my humour and my love of health and wellness and my experience and knowledge, if people just leave at the end of the class without a care, am I losing energy from my personal bank? I am getting paid, what makes me think I can expect an energy return as well? Do I reign it in and do what is necessary, not go above and beyond? Can I even do that being who I am? There are times when I get frustrated and say "Fine, I'll do the bare bones since no one notices when I do more." But really, that lasts about as long as a bowl of tuna juice in front of my cat George. I don't have it in me. I don't have the ability to not get emotionally attached. Trust me, I've tried, and failed.

It is a curse and a blessing... whereas I see people who don't get emotionally attached as lucky for never crying their eyes out on the bathroom floor, maybe I can feel sorry for them for missing out on the amazingly deep and real and irreplacable feelings that I feel on a regular basis. Without gut wrenching sadness, there can be no soul filling laughter.. or something like that.

Maybe they have been hurt so many times that they have moved from someone like me into a state where there is nothing left to be hurt... I hope that is not the case... but I will continue trudging. And skipping. And crawling. And caring for people who don't care back, and loving people who don't love back, and giving to people who don't give back. Because everyone is just doing the best they can with what they have, myself included.

So if you see me crying, it is just as likely that I just saw a touching commercial for the Olympics as it is that there is something horrible going on in my life. And I am done apologizing for it.